Commune of lizards while daylight lasts

One crept on feet, four feet
from the fallen wall of concrete.
A child fifty years past
with a dark mouth stirred his Slimfast
in the market and the boxes have stewed

to houses for soil and roaches renew
by the gallon. And by the gallon
lizards scurry and mutter as rip the talons
of a hawk quick as the lizards
but choking to death of the meal in his gizzard.

__

May change crept to creeps for the tense.

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~ by Jeremy on May 22, 2009.

3 Responses to “Commune of lizards while daylight lasts”

  1. Hard, end-stopped rhymes emphasize an irregular scansion. Rhyme often works best with enjambment, as here. Slant plus plurals has a similar effect.

    Were it my poem, I’d get rid of the punctuation (and alter the line spacing to go along with it)– because, maybe I prefer the ambiguity in some places, and possibly because allowing the last line to go on without a definable end allows it to, I don’t know, metaphorically coil in on itself, which rather goes along with your theme involving successively complicated digestion (ie: “A man may fish with the worm that hath eat of a king, and eat of the fish that hath fed of that worm.” — Hamlet). Unless my reading is totally at odds with your intent, of course. In any case, it’s still a stylistic choice, among which all possibilities are valid.

  2. I meant to write, of course: “Hard, end-stopped rhymes emphasize an irregular scansion. Rhyme often works best with enjambment, as you’ve done here. Your slant rhymes plus plurals has a similar effect.” But for some reason I typed too quickly.

  3. On second thoughts, I like your punctuation.

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