Maverick and the rabbit

Her skirt’ll flit’ll do something naked
under the harried darkness naked
of the sun in a repose Priapic on peoples’ naked
underbellies, all soft, newborn, and naked
as this dogeared lily paled to her own mirror naked
and her blush would surely make the sugar naked
in my tea flit about like her skirt, then naked
the girl would flee and I would give chase naked.

alternate final line:

the girl would flee and I would hunt her naked.

First version below.


Her skirt'll flit'll do something naked
under the bleached shine naked
of the sun, Priapic, naked
underbellies--soft, newborn, and naked
this girl, this lily paled to her own mirror naked
would surely make the sugar naked
in my tea flit about like her skirt, then naked
the girl would flee from me and I, naked, would give chase

Turtle, maverick!
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~ by Jeremy on July 11, 2009.

3 Responses to “Maverick and the rabbit”

  1. Now I am hoist by your petard……I really like this but if I pay you a compliment then you’ll deeem it worthless (grin). ‘Skirt’ll flit’ll’ is inspired, the various repetitions add something considerable, it really moves……..the only things I’m not sure about are Mad! (messes up the rhyme scheme to my mind) and the sugar ‘naked’ in my tea image, it’s too metaphoric in an otherwise naked poem, if that makes sense. Good writing.

  2. I was at a loss for the middle line, too, but I figured it served as a divider, visually, for the poem. I think I’ll remove it.

  3. yes, that works much better, yes now it’s excellent, really flows.

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