Some one thing to hear

Over months plastic reforms over
bodies floating together with bodies
downriver always downriver–
never up for they can never
feel themselves again when they feel.
They instead scratch
& make the wind blow west
so we may hear what they said
to each other right before the rest:
they said they, downwind the route,
were unhappy to drown before bleeding out.
And scratching Morse himself they
forgot to touch what they had to say.

Alt.

Downriver always downriver—
never up for they can never
prod themselves again to shiver.
They instead scratch
& make the wind blow west
so we may hear what they said
to each other—before the rest:
they said they, downwind the route,
were unhappy to drown before bleeding out.
And scratching Morse himself they
forgot to touch what they forgot to say.

__

I drafted the first section of this piece as a lesson to someone, but I ended up keeping it working. I appreciate more the styling of the second section, but it is too incomplete left to that. I may simply drop the first two lines and hope for an audience capable of inference. At that pace, might as well drop the whole device and leaven this bread on the tactile ability of water.

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~ by Jeremy on April 17, 2010.

One Response to “Some one thing to hear”

  1. The former’s better. Second is too abrupt for my liking. Perhaps, if you excluded “right” from “so we may hear what they said/to each other right before the rest”.

    Also: “feel themselves again when they feel”: seems there should be a rhyme of some sort, since you set the tone in the first few lines. That being a personal opinion, of course.

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